You are my home

I’m not gonna lie, I had a wonderful upbringing. I was raised by two wonderful parents that loved each other and were Jesus followers who strived to live it. I am blessed.

I grew up in the foothills of the Carolinas where I ran barefoot outside, climbed trees, had a pet goat, made mud pies, played in the woods and went to sleep with my window up just to hear the nightly concert of the crickets. I cherish those memories.

I left home for college at 18 and only returned for the summers and to get married in my front yard to my wonderful husband of 21 years in between our junior and senior year.

After college we moved and lived in several different places including Greenville, South Carolina; Orlando (5 months there counts, right?), Charleston, South Carolina; Madisonville, Kentucky; Tallahassee, Florida; Miami and then back to Tallahassee. Boy that was a lot of moving for a barefoot, tree climbing country girl, but I have loved every minute.

The part I have loved most has been God meeting me in each new place with a life lesson that he wrote upon my heart. Man, I love him. He’s been my one constant, never changing, always there. Holding my heart in the deepest sorrows and hurts and walking with me in unchartered places.

Early on God started showing me to hold things loosely in my heart. If I truly wanted to be led by him that means he comes first…his way, not mine.

God began and still is rearranging the furniture in my heart. Sometimes there are things we cherish too much. In all honesty, we value them more than we do God. It really can be anything…your spouse, children, possessions, your job….and the list goes on. It’s the thing you love a lot or feel you can’t live without.

None of these things are in themselves bad. They just need to be placed in the right position in our lives and hearts.

I’m reminded of Abraham (Genesis 22). I love his heart for God. He desired a son and God granted him one in his old age. God knew how much Abraham loved his son. But did Abraham now love the gift more than the giver. God was about to find out.

God spoke to Abraham’s heart. He was to now sacrifice the very gift God gave him. Boy, I know me…..I would have tried to ignore God and question that I heard him. I’d all the sudden become hard of hearing.

Abraham…..he listened, he trusted and he obeyed. He gathered his son, the supplies and started the journey up Mt. Moriah. I can not even fathom his thoughts as he walked hand in hand with his son. Was he at peace trusting God completely or was he struggling to walk this out.

As he bound his sons small hands and feet, laid him on the altar and drew his knife…God watched. He was watching his heart. Abraham truly trusted God.

At the last second God stopped him. He saw that Abraham loved the giver more than the gift. Abraham had been found trustworthy. God could now bless him knowing that he was faithful to the one who gave it all more than the gift itself.

I’ve always heard it said, God first, next family, then everything else. But in an effort to make God truly first, I encourage you to place God in his own category. With everything else in another. Why…..because that’s where he belongs. Nothing can compare to him. There’s not even a close second.

When you begin to place God where he truly belongs in your heart, he becomes your home. No matter where you live, the circumstances you find yourself in or the lack of true friends. Your heart is at home in him. There is no better place to be. Value the giver more than the gift!

When we come into a relationship with him we tend to add him into the mix of our lives. This is not how it’s supposed to be. For him to become our home he has to become our everything.

“You are my hiding place…” ~Psalm 32:7

We ask God to come into our lives and take up residence but we never cleared the old furniture out to make room for the him. We fill it with stuff (the gifts) that has no real value. We also fill it with hurt, anger, fear, dissappointments, and the expectations of others. None of which make your heart a place of rest and peace. Not one of these can bring lasting joy either!

Just as I felt loved and secure growing up in my home, I now say, “God, you are my home”.

If home is where the heart is, let your heart be found in him.

https://youtu.be/unjxlQq621E

No Matter What

Trust….if you have been around on this spinning blue sphere long enough, you most likely struggle with this word. I have and I do.

There was a time in my life that my heart was ruled by fear and worry. It sat upon its throne every morning in my heart and mind and ordered me around. I was its most loyal subject.

I wanted to be in charge…in charge of the things I could never control. I can’t control life or death, the choices someone else makes, if someone approves of me or not, but my heart tried. I always over worried about how things would turn out. The truth is the only thing I have control of is me and the way I respond (a lot of the times I’m not so sure of that either).

I’ve struggled with fear most of my life. It started when I was around 14 when a family member passed away. I just remember that it happened so quickly. She was here one day and gone the next.

In my heart a seed was planted and not the kind that grows a harvest you want. It was an ugly seed. The kind that puts your thoughts on a treadmill that it can’t get off. One that steals your peace, joy and your sleep. An unwanted visitor that never leaves. Nights were especially hard, I remember praying myself to sleep most nights.

Why do things always seem worse at night?

The fear was so overwhelming at times, I would literally drag my blankets and a pillow to my parents room in the middle of the night and make a pallet on the floor beside their bed.

“Fear is a feeling, but for me it grew arms, legs and hands and was very real.”

Over the years I found relief for short seasons. I learned how to “manage” the fear. I would keep my mind busy with all sorts of things. I avoided movies and shows that someone was sick and died. I never really won this battle.

“When fear came calling I was usually home and would open the door and welcome him in.”

My struggle with fear tainted everything….it robbed me, and I let it.

Your probably thinking about now, “I thought this was about trust?”, it is! One normal morning, I was praying and trying to “manage” my fear when God pierced through my thoughts and asked me a simple question that now lives forever in my heart. “Do you trust me?”

It was so simple, yet so hard to answer. I remember saying out loud, “God I trust you”. Then, he asked me the hardest part. “Do you trust me…no matter what?” Really! No matter what?

Do you trust me with your health, with your marriage, your finances, your children, your future, and the list goes on. Do you trust me no matter what. Even if it doesn’t work out or end they way you want it. All these questions flooded my heart. I cried. I cried because I realized the one I gave my heart to as a small child was the one I can trust the most. I cried because the weight I carried for so long began to lift. I realized I had not been trusting him. This is something my mind knew but had yet wrapped around my heart.

When fear would start to ascend to its throne in my heart and mind, I would say, “God I trust you. I trust you no matter what”.

You want to know what power is? Say this from a point of surrender and see what happens.

A strength began to rise in my heart. A strength that only comes from knowing God is there, he’s in charge and always has been. He is the only one who holds the power to change my circumstances.

Fear and worry are cruel masters who’s goal is to rob you of your peace and feel your mind with cloudy days. They are worthless. In fact, they make you deaf and blind. Deaf to the voice of God and blind to seeing his hand at work in the difficult areas of your life.

They are weeds not seeds!

I’m reminded of three God trusting men in the book of Daniel (Daniel 3), Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego. They put their trust in God. King Nebuchadnezzar was ragging mad because they would not worship an image he had made. This is the conversation that followed (Daniel 3:16)…….
^{“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego} replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Wow! I want to trust like this! These guys knew the power God held to save them but also surrendered their desires, knowing God is fully in control and trusted him no matter what. Even if it cost them their lives.

Now, this is trust on a whole new level!

Fear, anger and worry are unable to produce anything good in your life. They have no power to change the outcome of your situation. Only God can! Why wouldn’t you trust him……even if it doesn’t make sense.

Every time a situation arises, God reminds my heart that he is faithful and has it all worked out. Choose trust and gain peace. You can trust him. There’s no one you can trust more! He will be the keeper of your heart if you let him.

You will never be enough….

I don’t always think it is a great idea to look back because you’re not headed that way. Occasionally though, it’s a great thing. It helps you see how far you’ve come.

The last couple weeks I’ve been reflecting and it has been good. Good to see all that God has walked with me through, hand in hand, sometimes carrying, (sometimes dragging me) through.

I wanted to share my journey of reflection with you. I truly believe journeys should be shared. You never know who may gain hope and find strength to continue from the light you shine on the path you’ve walked. So here it goes!

I remember reading in the old testament how the Israelites would essentially pile up a lot of rocks as a visual reminder of something God did on their behalf. This my friend, is my pile of rocks!

More than ten years ago I had a bad habit (everybody has one they are working on). At my point of being emotionally overloaded, I would say inside and a lot of times outloud, “I’m not enough, I’m never enough”. Every time I felt I came up short, I would say this.

I had walked through some tough stuff. The biggest was losing my mom to cancer in 2002. My biggest fan, and support for encouragement as a young mom and wife was gone. She was my best friend, the one I hoped I would be like as I grew into the shoes of motherhood. Loosing her rocked my world. A lot of who I am today is because of her nurturing hands and prayers. As I write this, warm tears stream down my face…..I loved her so.

Your story may not be the same as mine but the journey is similar. You know what I’m talking about, the place where your heart and mind struggle to find rest.

I still remember the day, the day God confronted me. The day I began to change the way I looked at me. The day I also began to see who God really was. The truth was and still is, I’m not enough and I never will be. I was drawn to the life of Moses, Noah, and David in the Old Testament. At different points all of these Jesus followers mumbled these same words, “I’m not enough”.

It’s TRUE, you are not enough, BUT, God is. We were made to need Him. Doing life without him can exist but it’s so painful and hard.

So my journey began…..the journey of correcting my heart and lips. Everytime I felt so inadequate and not enough, I would say, “God make me able”. I held to dear life to these words. In the beginning it was like walking a dark path in the woods and seeing a flicker of light between the trees.

I would whisper this truth to my heart every time I felt heavy. Some days all I did was whisper these words. As this truth dropped into my heart and wrapped around my mind, I began to change. The light that once flickered between the trees now was coming into view as a beautiful sunrise. God makes me able! He makes you able!

Painting of the beautiful Lake Jackson in Tallahassee Florida

Just as he made Moses able (read it for yourself in Exodus. My favorite part is chapter 3), just as he made Noah and David able, He will make you able. Able to handle whatever comes your way. I love that His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).

Let’s be honest, life is hard. There are days it’s all you can do to crawl out of bed to greet the day. Sometimes life mimics being in the backseat of a race car being tossed all directions. It’s true! BUT, what I know down deep in my bones that trumps it all is this, you were never created to do it on your own. A life with Jesus starts and ends at the point of surrender. You will never be enough, but He is, and He is on this journey with you. If you allow Him, He will make you able to “handle” whatever life throws at you!

This isn’t a one time thing. It’s a truth you remind your heart often. Life affords lots of opportunities you feel in inadequate to handle. To this day, I still ask God to make able to handle life ups and downs and He continues to be faithful to His word.

You are not enough but He is!

Hope Floats

We’ve all been there, that dreaded place of feeling like your backs against a wall, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and the clouds never seem to part. Then there are those people, you know the ones that seem to always rise above the storms, and dance in the rain. These are the people I admire. People who have endured storms but still shine bright. The kind of people that could be drowning in despair but have risen above the waves. They are a beacon to others and point the way to hope. Those kind of people are my hero’s.

Truth is, this can be you too! Hope sets them a part. Their hope isn’t found any anyone or anything else but God. 

“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him to the one who seeks him.”  Lamentations 3:25

I know what you’re thinking, this is easier said than done. I know, I’ve been there. The truth is, with a daily dose of his word, worship and prayer, you will begin to find your faith rising and no matter the circumstances the clouds will begin to part and the sun will break through. He’s the only one who will never fail you, leave you or disappoint you. He knows your beginning and your end and everything in between and He still loves you! I don’t know about you but trusting someone who knows all my junk and still loves and believes in me is awesome! 

Don’t sink in despair but rise in the hope that is only found in Jesus! You can do it, he made you able!

Train of His Robe

Train of His RobeFor me worship and art go hand in hand. God is the ultimate Creator and Artist there is! Many times, as I read God’s word, pray and worship there is an image that comes to my mind’s eye and I can’t help but paint it. Originally painted “live” during worship at my church, I pray this painting and my story encourages you.
In the days of old, when one king would defeat another, it was customary for the victor to cut a piece from the robe of the defeated king and add it to his own. The more a king conquered the longer his robe becomes. Wow! When I think how much God has conquered for me, I am overwhelmed. The verse in Isaiah takes on a whole new meaning; the train of his robe was so long that it filled the temple! All the “stuff” you came through; all the shame, guilt, sin, fear, and the list goes on, it was conquered and added to His robe as a reminder to you and a witness to others of how awesome God is. All the times you drew a line in the sand and told God, “I can’t do this myself” is the moment we take our hands off of the situation and let Him do what he does best! He conquers! When you feel you can’t take another step, remind yourself of what he has already conquered for you. He will do again, if you’ll let him.

When I sing the song and read the verse, it’s more than words to me. Secretly I dealt with overwhelming fear. It controlled me. I know fear is an emotion but to me bear was as real as the person sitting beside you. My mind knew no rest. I remember trying to keep my mind busy by entertaining my self with something or someone. I admit that the hardest time was night. While I was exhausted, I dreaded going to bed. As everyone else drifted off to sleep, I was left alone with my thoughts. My one and only hope was God. Desperate, I would reach through the fear and grasp onto the only thing I could; the Holy Spirit. He became my comforter. Daily I would pray, pray for relief, pray for it to go away. I could only seem to hold onto peace temporarily.

Finally one morning, I woke up to the same relentless fear and anxiety but this time there was something different. I had reached my limit! I was mentally and emotionally drained! As I cried out to God with tears streaming down my face, all I could think about was how exhausted I was. I knew if He did not take it away, if He did not rescue me, I would never be free. With all my heart, I laid it down, knowing I could trust Him more that I trusted myself. Breakthrough came! From that morning on, I woke with each day being a little easier than the day before. Each day I felt the load I carried for so long become lighter and lighter.

As I worshiped and prayed that day, I saw in my mind’s eye a beautiful robe that was a witness of his authority and power at work in my life. If you’re struggling with issues and obstacles in life, take a moment and reminisce of the “stuff” he’s already brought you through. He can do it again!

Stop trying to do His job. Stop trying to take care of it yourself. Trust Him, because He’s able!